


Thought I'd Feel Better

by 8ucky8arnes



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29933646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/8ucky8arnes/pseuds/8ucky8arnes
Summary: “Thought I’d feel better, but now I have a bellyache.”-Billie Eilish “Bellyache”She could worry about the ramifications of her words and her anger with Victor later because she had a feeling this talk was about to go downhill and despite everything that had happened, she would stand with her brother.In this, she would support him 100%.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Pilar Salazar & Victor Salazar
Kudos: 10





	Thought I'd Feel Better

**Author's Note:**

> _“You say it to me like it’s something I have any choice in.”_ -Billie Eilish “Lo Vas A Olvidar” 
> 
> I started this fic shortly after the finale so it’s been sitting on my computer for a while and I figured finally posting it would motivate me to actually finish. This fic takes place from Pilar’s point of view as I wanted to try something a little different. Let me know what you all think! 
> 
> Trigger Warnings: homophobic language

Pilar wanted to cry and scream and turn up her music so loud she wouldn’t have to think about how everything could’ve gone so wrong. How everyone in her family kept cheating and lying and God, she’d thought Victor would be different. She’d thought he would be the one thing , the  _ one _ person she could count on with her entire world falling apart around her but of course, why should she have ever thought that in the first place ?

Her train of thought was derailed when she heard Victor’ s voice calling out for Mia.

The words that followed his pleas for her to stop were lower and muffled, but she didn’t need to eavesdrop on the conversation to know what was happening, what was being said, because it was no doubt the same thing Mom had said to Dad over and over again before he’d stormed off to find the man that-

Pilar forced the images her mind conjured away and pushed herself off the brick wall, heels clicking as she stepped out from behind the building. She stared at her brother’s back, unable to hide the emotion in her words as she spoke, “She found out. Didn’t she? That you’ve been cheating on her?”

“Pilar, it’s not what you think-”

“I don’t believe you.” She stared into her brother’s eyes, making sure he was really hearing the words, “Mom and Dad ripped us out of Texas and moved us here. I lost all my friends. My boyfriend broke up with me.” Her chest ached at the memory, but she pushed on. “Mom turned out to be a cheater.”

Victor broke her stare for only a moment before keeping it.

“And Dad got himself fired.”  She swallowed, finally voicing the thoughts that had been circling  around and around in  her head since she’d found the letter ascribed to just “B”.  Since she found  out that Victor was just like their parents.  “My whole world has been collapsing around me all year. But I thought, at least I still have my brother. At least Victor’s still Victor.”

He just stared.

“You were the only person I thought I could trust, and now I feel like I don’t even know you.”

“Pilar, of course you do.” Victor was near tears, voice trembling,  “ I’ve been going through something. And I want to explain it to you, but…” he looked towards the school, suddenly weary, “not here. Okay? So can…can we please go home? Please?”

It was the last word that brought her up short and stopped her from continuing on her rampage because she couldn’t ever remember a time when her brother had pleaded with her like that. She couldn’t picture a time when he’d ever looked so close to breaking down and while she was still beyond pissed at him for what he’d done to Mia…

“Yeah.” She choked out the words, “Yeah, we can go home.”

“Okay.”

The word was barely above a whisper, like he too was struggling to keep himself together, and when he wrapped his arm around her, she snaked hers around his waist and pressed her cheek into his shoulder, blinking away the tears as he ran a soothing hand up and down her arm.

Even now, after everything she’d thrown at him, he still comforted her.

Maybe her brother was still there. Somewhere.

…

Their trip home was silent, only broken by the chime of a notification from Victor’s phone, and she distanced herself from him as he read, focusing on the path ahead instead of whatever was happening with her brother.

Pilar played with the chain on her purse as he opened his phone, not looking over at how quickly he pocketed it and refusing to acknowledge the lines of pain she could see on her brother’s face because…well, she didn’t know why. 

No, she knew why, she just d idn’t want to admit it…that he’d done this to himself. 

He was the one who’d kissed someone else. 

He was the one who’d cheated on a girl who clearly loved him.

As much as she loved her brother, she couldn’t understand why he’d do something so cruel because Victor had always been such a freaking softy. He would go out of his way to make everyone happy and with everything that had happened, after everything he’d seen and heard from their parents the last few weeks…to just turn around and do the same thing to a nice girl like Mia just…didn’t make sense at all.

It didn’t fit any of what she knew about her big brother and as they walked through the front door, Pilar let her brother move ahead of her and when she turned to follow, she saw her parents sitting together on the couch.

Dad was the first to speak. “You are both home before curfew. That’s a first.”

Victor cleared his throat, “Yeah. Um…I have something I need to tell you guys.”

Pilar saw…something move across Mom’s face.  _ Nervousness? Sadness? _

“Uh, yeah,” Mom set down her wine glass, “so do we.”

Pilar’s stomach dropped and she saw the confusion written plainly on Victor’s face when he turned to look at her and it wasn’t until Dad patted the couch cushion next to them that and asked them to sit that they finally moved. 

Pilar sat next to Dad, Victor taking the chair.

Dad shifted nervously, looking down at his hands before meeting Mom’s eyes and whatever unspoken thing she’d conveyed gave him the push to continue. “You’re mother and I…we’ve  been talking a lot about…the ways things have been between us lately. And about the way things used to be.”

Pilar was dreading what this conversation was leading to.

She wondered if Victor felt the same.

“What happened back in Texas between your mother and…Roger, it happened for a reason. We’ve been off for…a long time,” He looked back at Mom before motioning to Victor, “and after you called us out  _ mijo _ , we were able to admit it and stop pretending that we’re okay.”

Pilar glanced at Victor, his hands tightly wound together and felt his eyes on her when she faced their parents. She was determined to ignore his eyes on her, even if the path this talk was taking would no doubt be another crack in their family’s foundation.

“And it took so much weight off…for the both of us.” He reached back for Mom’s hand.

She took it and squeezed, “We were so young when we met. We were…we were basically your age and over the years, we’ve changed so…” she looked down at their clasped hands, licking her lips as she weighed the next words, “we just need to take a step back and…” she swallowed thickly, “figure out if, after all this time, we still make sense…together.”

Dad closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, “And we think that the best way to do that is…” his eyes fell to the floor and he cleared his throat, voice cracking as he forced himself to keep going, “for us to spend some time apart.”

Victor was the first to break the silence that followed, “What do you mean apart?”

It was Mom that answered, “We’re separating. Just for now.”

All the anger she’d thrown at Victor such a short time ago bled out of her then, replaced by a sadness that kept her frozen on the couch. She didn’t look at her parents or her brother…just stared at the corner of the coffee table, her vision beginning to blur.

“After what we’ve been through this year, we just needed to take a breather.” Mom sounded just as heartbroken as Pilar felt, her words heavy with sadness…with guilt,  as she looked at Pilar and Victor,  “I’ m so sorry,  _ mis _ __ _ amores _ , I know this is hard.” 

Pilar felt Dad’s hand reach out for hers and she squeezed it.

Victor stood suddenly, “I…I need to get changed. ”

“Wait, Victor. What were you going to tell us?”

He slowed, shaking his head, “Nothing.”

Pilar watched her brother’s face closely before he’d turned to go, wondering how a single word could convey so much yet say so little. Whatever was going on with him was far from nothing but after the bomb Mom and Dad had dropped on them, Victor seemed to be doing what he  always did: put everyone’s feelings before his own because he didn’t want to cause anyone any more pain.

He stopped, though, after a few steps and faced them, “No, not nothing.”

Pilar kept her focus completely on Victor, knowing that this could be the straw the broke the camel’s back. Their family was  so  fragile now , like glass that was already cracked. The faintest amount of pressure could send it shattering  completely and Pilar wasn’t sure if they would come out of this unscathed. At least, not more than they already were.

“Mom…Dad…” he met their eyes one by one, “I’m gay.”

Two simple words yet…

“What are you saying?”

Dad’s question sparked her earlier ang er and Pilar bit back a sarcastic  _ It’s _ _ not that hard to figure out _ . She could see Victor struggling and knew her comment would help no one. Every single one of them had a fuse and she knew that her brother was reaching the end of his…

He  sighed, “I’m gay, Dad. I like gu ys.”

Pilar felt how rigid her father went next to her but she didn’t look back at him or Mom, keepi ng her attention on her brother as she ran over everything she’d learned in the last twenty-four hours, the pieces finally coming together to give her the identity of “B”.

_ Benji _ _. _

She grimaced , realizing she’d asked such revealing questions in front of  Benji and his boyfriend. Pilar shook it off. She could worry about the ramifications of her words and her anger with Victor  for damaging another relationship  later because s he had a feeling th is talk w as about to go downhill and d espite ever ything that had happened , she would stand with her brother.

In this, she would support him 100%.

“But you and Mia…”

Victor’s jaw tightened , “I ended it.”

_ Well _ , Pilar thought,  _ that’s one way to put it. _

“ If something happened, I’m sure you can fix it-”

“Nothing happened, Mom, I just…” he glanced at Pilar,  relieved when she made no comment . “I  didn’t want to keep lying to her anymore. I didn’t want to keep…pretending to be this person I’m not just to make everyone happy. It’s not fair to her or to me.” 

“You just…you just  gotta try harder ,  _ mijo _ , that’s all.”

Pilar winced.

Victor shook his head, “That’s not…” he ran a hand through his hair,  frustration clear in his voice,  “ That not it, Dad. You guys aren’t getting what I’m trying to say.” Victor took a deep breath, clearly trying to keep himself calm . “I’m  _ gay _ .  Me dating a girl isn’t going to change that.”

“How would you know that, Victor?” Dad continued, “You’ve only dated Mia.”

“ And I liked her, but-” he shook his head again, voice cracking.

“But what, Victor?” Dad’s voice was sharper, “What?”

“I didn’t like her in the way she liked me.” Tears shone in his eyes and he took a step forward, pleading, “ You don’t understand  _ Papí _ ,  I  _ tried _ . I tried so  _ hard _ to be normal. To be  who you wanted me to be but I couldn’t do it and I’m so sorry.”

Pilar’s heart broke in her chest at the sight of her big brother apologizing for something he had no need to apologize for and she made a move to stand, to walk over and give him a hug, but Dad’s hand on her shoulder stopped her. She turned to glare at him. “Dad-”

“Where is this coming from?”

Victor opened his mouth-

“It was those boys from the party wasn’t it? Putting those… _ ideas _ in your head.”

The word was said with such…contempt. Such disgust.

Pilar tried moving forward again, but his hold tightened and she saw the flare of anger in Victor’s eyes as his mouth snapped shut and she knew that that comment was the beginning of the end for any reasonable, calm discussion they could have had because she remembered how upset he’d gotten at  Abuelo and considering one of those “boys” was  Benji …

Victor choked out a broken laugh. “And you said you didn’t care about what they were doing.”

Dad  worked his jaw, but didn’t say anything.

“ I guess I ’m stupid for expecting that to be the truth when you and Mom have done nothing but -”

“Don’t take that tone with me!”

Victor flinched at the father’s raised voice but didn’t look away, “But you followed that with hoping that Adrian wouldn’t ever turn out like  _ that _ so… ” He took a shuddering breath, runnin g a shaking hand over his face. “I guess it’s different when it’s your own kid, huh?  It’s hard to just  _ ignore it _ when it’s under your own roof.”

Then Mom joined, “That is  _ enough _ , Victor!”

A heavy silence filled the living room then,  but Pilar knew just how much was being held back and pushed down. She shook off her father’s hold, yet remained frozen as a myriad of emotions passed over her brother’s face, trying to figure out what was going on in  his head-

Mom sighed, “Maybe  it’s best if we all just get some sleep, okay? A lot’s been said tonight so let’s just…take some time to process everything.  We can talk about this all in  the  morning once we’ve all cooled off.”

Pilar scoffed loudly, doubting Dad would  _ cool off _ but she stood and without saying a word, took her brother’s hand and walked with him to his room. She didn’t bother masking her anger at their parents as she slammed the door as hard as she could, only feeling bad when she saw Victor jump at the sound. 

He seemed somewhat surprised  when she immediately embraced him. “I…I thought you were-”

She buried her face in his neck, “I’m still mad at you .”

Victor withdrew, confused, “Then, why…?”

“Because  while you  _ definitely _ need to apologize to Mia for what happened with  Benji ,” she nearly smiled as his eyes went comically wide, “ t he one thing you  _ don’t _ need to apologize for is you being  _ you _ , alright? You have  _ nothing _ to be sorry for, okay? Nothing.”

Victor nodded, the tears he’d been holding back finally spilling over.

She gathered him back into his arms, feeling just how much he was shaking and she squeezed tighter as he released a choked sob, ignoring the ache in her feet as seconds stretched on into one minute, two minutes,  _ five _ minutes…

He eventually pulled back, wiping his face with the back of his hand. 

“ I love you, okay?” Pilar managed a small smile when she finally caught his gaze, relieved when he hesitantly returned the gesture.  “ And if anyone ever , and I mean  _ ever _ , makes you feel like you need to-”

He let out a startled laugh, “Always so violent,  Pilar .”

She hummed.

“You don’t need to fight my battles for me.” He helped her to balance while she took her shoes, his hand gentle on her arm when she stood on two feet. “You  _ do _ know that right? I can defend myself.”

“I know that, but it never hurts to have another person in your corner.”

He gave her a half-smile, “I appreciate that, Pilar. Really.”

She grinned, “I know.”

Victor’s expression grew sad again, eyes drifting in the direction of the living room and the not-so-hushed sounds of their parents arguing in Spanish growing louder before ending with Dad slamming the front door. 

He flinched.

Pilar stopped herself from reaching out, seeing the rigid line of his shoulders and sensing that he wanted to be alone for the time being. She picked up her shoes, hooking her fingers through the straps of her heels, and moved towards the door, “If you ever need space... or just want to get out of the house, I can keep Mom and Dad off your back.”

“You don’t-”

“Dad’s being an ass and Mom...” she sighed, “well, either way, the offer stands.”

Victor nodded, “I might take you up on that tomorrow.”

“Okay. Just let me know.” she opened the door, “Goodnight, Victor.”

“Night.”

She shut the door quietly behind her.

“Pilar?”

She froze at  M om’s voice,  hearing the pleading in her voice and her  fingers  went  white-knuckled  on the doorknob of her own room as she swallowed down the urge to yell if only to spar e Victor any more anger tonight. Pilar didn’t look her mother’s way as she opened the door and locked it behind her.


End file.
